As we know, the state loves to stick its long bureaucratic nose into someone else’s bedroom, someone else’s balcony, and even someone else’s bathroom. But this monster is incredibly blind, deaf, and lazy. At least until you yourself come to it to bow and confess how you have improved your life and are now ready to be fined.
A perfect example of this is a recent tragicomic incident from Berlin. A man named Kasper was quietly renting an apartment in the Kreuzberg district, paying his rent, and enjoying the coziness, as his bathroom featured both a full bathtub and a separate shower stall. It seemed like he could continue living with these amenities. But then the landlord intervened. She decided to act like a “law-abiding citizen” and legalize the completed renovations retroactively.
Naturally, the bureaucratic machine howled with delight. It turned out that the building stands in a so-called “social protection” zone (Milieuschutz), where officials from above determine the acceptable level of comfort for citizens. The department issued a verdict: having both a bathtub and a separate shower in one apartment is an “unallowable luxury” (Luxussanierung). Apparently, such bourgeois chic increases the attractiveness of the housing and raises its value too much.
The result? Officials ordered the landlord, at her own expense, to hire workers, tear the stall to pieces, strip the tiles, and throw the shower out. And Kasper was left with a demolished bathtub. Had the landlord simply remained silent, the man would still be peacefully lathering his back under his favorite shower.
Do you think this is purely German madness? Of course not; the Leviathan is structured the same way everywhere. Try going to a municipality in somewhere like France or Italy and declaring that you want to cut a small dormer window in your private house to see the stars at night. You will immediately be dragged into a years-long hell: you’ll need historical and architectural approvals, environmental certificates, the visit of three inspectors, and the icing on the cake will be a property tax reassessment upward.
In the US, homeowners regularly step on the same rake: you go to get approval for a miserable wooden shed for your lawnmower—an inspector arrives, fines you because the structure is five centimeters closer to the fence than allowed by the standards of the Carter administration, issues a cease-and-desist order, and while he’s at it, picks on an “unlicensed” outlet in the garage.
Now, look at the alternative—so-called quiet, guerrilla improvement. Millions of people around the world simply take their housing and make it comfortable. Without queues, without bribes, and without humiliating bows to officials.
Imagine that a hypothetical Uncle Seryozha lives in the next entrance. Back in 2004, he silently glazed his loggia, ran electricity there, installed an air conditioner, and knocked down an unnecessary partition made of cheap gypsum. Since then, eras have changed, children have grown up, constitutions have been rewritten, but Uncle Seryozha still drinks his morning tea in warmth and comfort. Does the state know about this? No. Will an official come to inspect him? The chance of this approaches absolute zero, unless he himself goes crazy and takes the apartment plan to the district administration.
The bureaucratic apparatus is incredibly cumbersome, and it lacks X-ray vision through reinforced concrete. It relies exclusively on the incoming flow of paperwork brought to it by naive citizens. And trying to “legalize a renovation retroactively” is like approaching a robber in a dark alley and asking: “Excuse me, I’ve earned some extra money here, could you tell me what share I am supposed to give you?”. Rest assured, the robber will take every last penny and even punch you in the jaw for your audacity.
Of course, in such matters, one should remember physics and respect for neighbors. You shouldn’t touch load-bearing walls or block the building’s general ventilation, and you should also ensure reliable waterproofing so as not to flood anyone and not to give neighbors a reason to complain to the authorities, revealing the unauthorized renovation.
